The Worst Movies of 2000 - 2010

In honor of this past historic weekend at the box office, I present a list of a type that I normally don't do... one that's a tad bit negative. But what the hell, sometimes you've got to celebrate the bad so you can better appreciate the good, or something like that.

In case you're out of the movie loop, the box office history I speak of goes like this:

Two films, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star and Creature, debuted with two of the lowest opening weekend totals for wide releases in box office history. Bucky Larson is also the worst reviewed film of 2011 (so far, but I don't see anything on the horizon that might take that crown away) with a whopping 0% Rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Way to go Bucky! Creature on the other hand had what is being called the worst opening of all-time for a wide release. What's a wide release, you ask? Well, it means the producers of Creature were stupid enough to try to release the indie-creature feature on 1,507 screens across the country. For comparison, the indie-horror film Hatchet was released on 93 screens. So, when the numbers are crunched and data entered and the producers find out how much each theater made on their film over the weekend, they found that Creature made an average of $262 per theater... which is terrible. The film Hatchet, for example, had a $1,079 per theater average on its opening weekend. One site commented that a single row of people seeing a major release spend more than that on just their popcorn. So way to go Creature for not realizing that you're just a glorified Syfy movie, and instead trying to play in the big leagues! Nice job!

Anyway, the list below is for The Worst Movies of 2000 - 2010. This is not my opinion, this is fact. These films are the lowest rated and worst reviewed (and not just by professional critics, but by anyone that has shared their opinion on the matter) of them all. I've scraped the bottom of the barrell, and these films are what was left in the grime. None of them should really come as a surprise, although I found it interesting that a few notable bombs (such as Gigli) weren't as unliked as previously thought. I think that's because, and this is important, there's a big difference between a bad movie, or a poorly made movie, and a complete and utter disaster of a movie. I can sit through a bad movie, and in fact sometimes I enjoy watching them for the fun I have poking fun at them... but some movies are just unwatchably bad. The kind of movie you groan through rather that laugh at. The ones that give you a headache, make you scream obscenities at the screen like "Why the #$@& was this movie even made?!" or in some cases, make you fear for the very survival of our species.

So without any further ado, I bring you...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Worst Movies of 2000 - 2010:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

2010 - - Vampires Suck (Average Review Rating: 1.8 out of 10)

2009 - - Transylmania (Average Review Rating: 1.5 out of 10)

2008 - - The Hottie and the Nottie (Average Review Rating: 1.0 out of 10)
2007 - - Daddy Day Camp (Average Review Rating: 1.3 out of 10)

2006 - - Date Movie (Average Review Rating: 1.4 out of 10)

2005 - - Alone in the Dark (Average Review Rating: 1.1 out of 10)

2004 - - Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (Average Review Rating: 0.8 out of 10)

2003 - - House of the Dead (Average Review Rating: 1.3 out of 10)

2002 - - The Master of Disguise (Average Review Rating: 1.5 out of 10)

2001 - - Glitter (Average Review Rating: 1.4 out of 10)

2000 - - Battlefield Earth (Average Review Rating: 1.2 out of 10)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A few additional comments, thoughts and ramblings about the list...

- Just because a lot of people hate Twilight doesn't mean that an endless barrage of infantile humor directed at the modern vampire craze is any better. In fact, I'd rather watch a bad movie and make fun of it myself than have a bunch of morons attempt to act out a farcical version of the bad movie. Now instead of just one bad movie, there's another really, really, really bad movie. Plus, the Twilight hatred is all a matter of opinion, because there are plenty of people that like the films, or at least can forgive the series for a few of its problems. There's no way the films make the kind of money they do without a wider fan base than just pre-teen girls. What if a bunch of girls were to make a parody film of The Dark Knight only because their boyfriends dragged them to see it, would that make for a good movie? I think not.

- Paris Hilton is not an actress. She's not even a celebrity for any real reason, other than she's from a rich family, and she shows some skin whenever it proves convenient for her. That's it. That's her life in a nutshell. Please stopping putting her in films. Thank you.

- The idea that grown men can't take care of kids used to be funny... back in 1983's Mr. Mom with Michael Keaton, for instance. Times have changed, and just as women now have a heel firmly planted in the workplace, so do men in the home. If a grown man in the 21st century doesn't know how to deal with taking care of a kid, then that man is an incompetent moron. Also, while we are on the subject of 80's films, the camp-comedy sub-genre is over, and the subject has been played out by many a Meatballs sequel. Camps today aren't the same, anyway. What I'm trying to say is, none of it's funny anymore, it's just embarrassing.

- These so-called parody films made by people who don't understand the difference between satire and just pointing at something and making fun of it, well, they don't work, have never worked, and should cease and desist immediately. If you're a director and your last name happens to be Zucker or Abrahams, you are no longer allowed to work on projects on your own. You either work as a group (where you always shined) or you take a hint from Mel Brooks and stay out of it from now on. Your recent films remind me of a parent trying to adopt the language of their kids to try to seem hip, all the while coming across as out-of--depth and completely misguided.

- Don't make sequels to films that themselves are of highly questionable quality. If a movie comes out that's not very good, but for some reason does okay and people forgive it a little because it has, for instance, cute kids or a talking dog or something, be glad you got that little bit of success out of your little turd. Please, don't confuse your luck, (which could have more to do with when your film came out, and what competition it had at the box office, than anything else), with having a film or idea that needs to be expanded upon. You might find that if you try to milk it, instead you create one of the worst monstrosities ever unleashed upon mankind, and then what will you have to say for yourself?

- Aging comic actors that used to be a hit and need desperately to stage a comeback should do so in small doses, like cameos or bit parts, before jumping head-first into a starring role. Try out the gags, get back into the timing, begin to feel it again like you used to. The worst mistake you could make would be to assume that you're just as funny as you used to be. What if you aren't?

- Pop-musicals about pop-stars starring pop-stars are corny and pretentious. Whether it be Glitter or the almost-on-the-list From Justin to Kelly, if a filmmaker wants to craft a story around a pop-star, take a cue from Curtis Hanson's 8 Mile and find the character and the meaning underneath the music and words, or if nothing else make sure there's a story to tell in the first place. If there's not, leave it be and let the pop-star remain just that.

- If you're going to create a multi-million dollar recruitment video for your religion that poses as entertainment, at least make sure it's well-made, tells some sort of cohesive story, has interesting characters that when they speak make some sort of point or sense, and doesn't paint your religion as idiotic, goofy, or flat-out bonkers. Otherwise, people may laugh at your religion, because they will think it, like the movie, is really stupid.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

- Special Achievement Award in Horrible Filmmaking: Producer/Writer/Director Uwe Boll.

Creating not one but two of the worst films of the last decade, and quite possibly of all-time, without any filmmaking skills, talent, creativity or vision. (He sure has persistence, though, I'll give him that). Boll has seemingly done the impossible, having had a directing career that has spanned 11 years and 21 films, and every single one of them is as bad as bad can get (both BloodRayne and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale almost made the list). His films are sloppy and devoid of any value, and while there are brief mildly amusing aspects in his films (unintentionally humorous moments), as quickly as a smirk or giggle may come it is soon replaced with the knowledge that the film is going to kill some part of your soul if you continue to watch it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

- The Worst Film of the Decade Award - 2000-2009: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)

With an average review rating of 0.8 out of 10, it came in the lowest of the low of the low. The final film from director Bob Clark (A Christmas Story, Porky's), this piece of $@#& should have been set on fire before it ever left the editing room. Universally damned by critics, it sits at the bottom of every list there is, and rightfully so. One critic noted that he'd "rather be tortured for twenty-years with searing iron than have to sit through even a minute of this again," while yet another claimed that, "It is perhaps the most incompetent and least funny comic film ever made." This is a failure of a movie on every level. Period. All those involved should not only be shamed of themselves, but have to perform some sort of community service to make it up to the people of the world.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

On a personal note, I'd like to point out that 7 of the 10 films that made the list are stupid comedies. I've told people plenty of times, when asked if I'm going to see some comedy film when it opens, that I don't go see many comedies in theaters. People are always weirded out, taken aback. It's not that I don't like comedies, it's that an abysmal comedy film is, in my opinion, the worst kind of bad movie.

Bad horror, action and sci-fi movies can still be fun, bad dramas are usually just dry, boring or brought down by bad acting, but aren't necessarily horrible all around, bad animated movies are usually just poorly made and overly corny or simplistic, but again aren't always horrible... But comedies, with the delicate balance of humor, possibly adding a helping of raunch without going too far, awkwardness without being too awkward, lines that have to not only further some basic story and character arc but also land a joke just right, it's very, very easy to fail miserably. Almost all of the films I went through when going through the bad films, on all the lists and all the critic's bottom choices and every Joe-Schmo bad movie site, were comedy films. That's why I don't go see them in theaters. I'll give them a chance on TV or DVD, where I can easily turn it off and try something else, but I have sometimes a greater than 50% chance going in to a theater that the film is gonna suck, despite who's making it, who wrote it, and who stars, and I don't like those odds.

So, in closing, the next time you're watching a stinker of a movie and you think to yourself, "Man, how much worse can this get?" just remember, you could be watching one of the movies on this list. I'll leave you with this: If you haven't seen one, a few, or all of these films... don't. Seriously. Don't take this as a list of films you should watch for any reason other than to die a little bit inside.

- gARTh -